hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
