last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
