dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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