Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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