I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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