They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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