im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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