Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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