I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
