even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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