I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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