I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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