I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
