just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
