Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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