I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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