I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
