i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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