I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
