new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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