So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
