my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
