And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
