That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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