I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Randomize
