Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
