You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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