I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
