He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
