Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
