Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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