Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my poor anus
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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