Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
