your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
