Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
