The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
This is the high leading the old right now
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
