This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
