i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize