alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Randomize
