Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
