i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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