I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
