Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
