today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
