I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
