Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
