Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
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