Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
