Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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