K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
