The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Let's get the cat blown out
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
