i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
