He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
