I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
