I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
