There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
We need to get me chipped asap
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
