I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
