I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
The power of my boobs compel you
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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